my phone needs a breathalizer
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
