I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
