They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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