my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
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There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
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Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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