I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
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Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
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Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize