Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
