i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
