i'm signing you up for texting rehab
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
