Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
