The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
