God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
