Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
