I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Two words: nipple clamps
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