We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
