my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
