I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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