I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Life is so much better after having sex.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
