doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
