This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
