giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
