he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
