There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
