You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
