I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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