The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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