My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
