Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
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he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
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Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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