I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
