I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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