She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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