is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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