if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
