Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.