I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.