I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.