Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
