Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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