Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
