explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
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I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
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And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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