It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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