life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
