he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
