where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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