he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
