First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
