Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
