I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
