I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
