his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
