This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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