just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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