Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
someone threw a dead crab at me
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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