so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You pole danced in your parka.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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