i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
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She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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