Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
