Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
