Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
